I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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