When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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