I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
