So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
