I like to think it a success when the cops are called
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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