M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
