You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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