He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
