i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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