i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Naked Twister starts at high noon
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
