You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
