Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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