stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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