i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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