Just fell off a train. Bad.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
