Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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