Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
