my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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