he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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