Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
