3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
