TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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