last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
