I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Two words: nipple clamps
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