From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
