last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
