My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
