Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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