My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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