you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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