Will you blow on my dice?
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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