I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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