things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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