Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
