How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
