I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
