you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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