Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
