Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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