it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
