She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
