He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
