babies were throwing up all over the place
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
