We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
