So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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