True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
There r osticjed everywhere
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
