someone threw a dead crab at me
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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