Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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