he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
