just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
