Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
