They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
